Patty "The Breather", Jesus and the DOM

The advantage of working in a small office is that Patty and I can see and hear each other, so we work like a perfect team... one always knows what the other is doing.

The disadvantage of working in a small office is that Patty and I can see and hear each other.....

The D.O.M sometimes just starts talking to me from his office... really random things that I don't care to know or hear about... he usually decides to do this when I'm in the middle of doing something that involves concentration. To rescue me from this Patty usually calls me on my direct dial and pretends that she's calling about something really urgent. Normally this goes off without a hitch. That is until the other day when she attempted a rescue while having a raspy voice because of her cold:

Patty: (breathing heavily into the phone) Sara.... prentend I'm calling about something important...
Me: Oh, hi, I'm sorry Allan's not hear right now, can I take a message....
Patty: (whispering and breathing heavily) Oh shit...can he hear me? (darth vadar-esc sounds here) ok, I'm going to whisper... pretend I'm leaving a really long and important message.....
Me: (stifling a laugh...don't look at Patty, don't look at Patty....) Ummm, ok.... (pause)..... mhmm, ok.... (pause).....
Patty: (again, darth vadar sounds....) Is he still talking???
Me: (don't look at Patty, don't look.....)Yes...I think so?
Patty: Really??
Me: What?
Patty: I said .... Really????
Me: (stifling a laugh and crying) Can I Please have your number? (Ahab turns around from office and gives me a quizzical look...)
Patty: (heavily breathing and whispering) 2...1....2.....(Heavy breathing resumes)...
Me: (click)

I immediately hung up and couldn't keep from laughing...
I really appreciate well timed saves from the DOM when he's driving me nuts, but it's difficult to just run with it when the person on the other end sounds like darth vadar.


The other day I was taking the train to work and some woman started to sing hymnals... I hate when people sing hymnals on the train... but, this woman had a pretty voice and the song was slow and soft so I figured that it could definitely be worse.... 10 minutes later it did get worse... much worse.... She started screaming to Jesus and thanking him... then she started crying and rolling around on the floor thanking Jesus over and over again.... people were getting up and moving into the next train car... I wasn't about to give up my seat, so I stayed right where I was..... She kept screaming "I want to thank you Jesus for giving me strength... please Jesus give me more strength"... then she started listing different things she wanted strength for until some random man shouted..."Please Jesus tell this woman to shut the f*** up"....
Everyone looked at him completely appalled... I looked at him and smiled... afterall, come on people...we were all thinking it, he just had the balls to say it....



The DOM has a major problem with viruses on his computer. Guess he was looking at too much porn online. Our IT guy had to come in and do major damage control....afterwords he told me that he put controls on the DOM's internet... I had to tell the general, who in turn told the DOM while we were all out at lunch....

The general: no more porn, we've got parental controls on you now
DOM: I hope not... I get emails from friends I like to pass on....
Waitress: Any desserts anyone?
Ahab: this...
Patty: Cheesecake
Me: Same
DOM: Do you have cookies?
Waitress: No, no cookies....
DOM: Can I lick your hand?

Back from the Dead

So I have returned from my hiatus with my new, old nose. I can't really breathe yet, but I'm sure when I can it will be very exciting. I was initially concerned for my first week of recovery that not only would I never be able to flare my nostrils again, but since I couldn't come up with anything witty to say that somehow when Dr. L was rebreaking my nose, she had done damage to my brain. But as time has gone by I have discovered that all is right with my face and brain... well, at least, everything is as it was before....phew.

Being on bed rest for 7-10 days sucks....I can't even say that I sat around and ruminated (that's for you Elissa) about anything because I spent the better part of the time in a drug induced coma, but here are some things I thought about and updates since my recovery....

Why is Rosie so scary happy on The View? She was really freaking me out when the ladies would discuss their "hot topics"...she would be smiling and giggling but yelling at the women at the same time. I mean, it's not a good sign when your viewers are extremely uncomfortable and they are sitting on their couches in the comfort and safety of their own homes.

Never call the plumber when you are home sick. Ever.... Sarah and I had the brilliant idea of having the plumber come in and fix a little leak in our bathroom sink two days after my surgery. We figured, since I was already home, why not?.....3 hours and a whole lot of banging, "I'm sorry Sara I have just one more question", and "$hits" later our bathroom sink was in the hallway and I was on the verge of tears.... very bad idea.

My office sent me a 15 pound giant margarita glass filled with flowers after my surgery. When I am back on my feet again and 100% I fully intend to have a margarita party and that will be my glass.

Why is it when you feel like crap and you are completely out of commission that your life goes to $hit? While I was on my "my face feels like it's been beaten with a hammer" retreat, 5 of my friends were going through pretty major mid-twenties life crap. I felt really bad too because I had a difficult time focusing on anything for longer than 30 seconds and I wasn't really supposed to be talking...so all I could do is just moan at them on the phone... I don't think I was helpful. Also, someone in Turkey got a hold of my debit card info and stole thousands of dollars from me. Now I have to sign an affidavit and my entire financial life is under investigation by the gov't. Not that I have any financial life to investigate...let me save the gov't some time....I'm 26, I'm poor...some man just stole my money...give it back. I've probably been funding terrorists, from my couch in Brooklyn, while doped up on Codeine. Fabulous.

No matter how hard you try you can not look attractive after having nose surgery, you're black and blue, swollen from the IV's and have bandages all over your face. As if that wasn't bad enough, I also came down with a nasty cold 2 days after my surgery. Talk about mass producing all kinds of crazy $hit. Everyday Karl came home from work and took care of me in my basketcase state.... so drugged up that I couldn't even bother to brush my hair. Fortunately I was so heavily medicated at the time that I didn't realize just how awful I looked. But I made Karl and my mother take pictures of me so that I could document it properly. People, I looked awful. I'm going to keep a picture in my purse where ever I go so the next time I'm blasted out of my mind and want to ride something mechanical or otherwise I can pull it out and look at it and manage to "just say no".... I'll let you know how it goes.....

My friend Chris had is movie premier party for his short film 'Humongous' 5 days after my surgery. When I showed up; make up applied, dress on, looking like a human being he yelled at me for taking all of the bandages and packing off of my face for his party. He wanted me to show up as a messed up Joan Rivers. He said I always let him down and then he walked away. Sorry Chris.

My boyfriend's best friend informed me last week that I am going to audition with him and his brother for the Amazing Race. It's going to be team Lacy/Farkas. This should be interesting seeing as Rick does not get up before 11am and can't go anywhere or do anything without a cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee or alcohol depending on the time of day. Not to mention, I don't think he's ever even seen an episode of the Amazing Race.....

Yesterday I went to brunch with Sarah and Helen....we drank mimosa's and talked trash about various people (won't mention any ex's names...) and things. We had so much fun that we bought some peach juice and champagne and continued our conversation back at the apartment. Ah, a toast to the crazy ex's.... thanks for for losing your minds and acting like complete rejects thus giving us plenty of material to laugh about. (clink)

Speaking of ex's.... My boyfriends ex recently friended him on myspace. The friend request was sent with a nice email that said his girlfriend (that would be me) is pretty. I smiled and couldn't even look at him when he told me that. When he asked me why I was basically laughing I told him it was because I thought that that was extremely gracious of her. She may not even have meant it, behind my back she may make fun of my big Irish teeth....but she said it to him and I thought that that was extremely gracious and kind. I laughed because when I broke up with my ex -boyfriend, he wanted to "stay friends". This to me means, that we are friends (and friends only) and we will date (and possibly seriously date) other people. I apparently was very mistaken. When I told my ex that I was dating Karl he immediately stopped talking to me, then proceeded to go onto my myspace page and delete all of the comments he had posted on my page. About a month later he deleted my friends that were on his myspace friends list...and about a week ago he randomly deleted me and made his page private which I thought was hysterical because we hadn't even spoken (no emails, phone calls, etc.) in months.....So I laughed when Karl told me about his ex because the difference in behaviors was more than ironic to me.

Big Balls

The last thing I remember from last night was my boyfriend picking me up off of his couch (blanket and all) to bring me into the bedroom and me saying boldly... "I don't think you can carry me...I don't weigh 120 lbs any more because my balls are so large".... obviously, I was tanked.

This morning Karl sent me the following email:

I remember you said something that took me off guard, and I replied with “you’ve got balls to say that”

And the rest of the night went something like this:

Karl: come over here and cuddle with me….

Sara: I can’t, maybe my big balls are in the way….laugh…..snort.

Right....note to self: Don't drink Six Point beer...it makes you believe you have big balls.