Patty "The Breather", Jesus and the DOM

The advantage of working in a small office is that Patty and I can see and hear each other, so we work like a perfect team... one always knows what the other is doing.

The disadvantage of working in a small office is that Patty and I can see and hear each other.....

The D.O.M sometimes just starts talking to me from his office... really random things that I don't care to know or hear about... he usually decides to do this when I'm in the middle of doing something that involves concentration. To rescue me from this Patty usually calls me on my direct dial and pretends that she's calling about something really urgent. Normally this goes off without a hitch. That is until the other day when she attempted a rescue while having a raspy voice because of her cold:

Patty: (breathing heavily into the phone) Sara.... prentend I'm calling about something important...
Me: Oh, hi, I'm sorry Allan's not hear right now, can I take a message....
Patty: (whispering and breathing heavily) Oh shit...can he hear me? (darth vadar-esc sounds here) ok, I'm going to whisper... pretend I'm leaving a really long and important message.....
Me: (stifling a laugh...don't look at Patty, don't look at Patty....) Ummm, ok.... (pause)..... mhmm, ok.... (pause).....
Patty: (again, darth vadar sounds....) Is he still talking???
Me: (don't look at Patty, don't look.....)Yes...I think so?
Patty: Really??
Me: What?
Patty: I said .... Really????
Me: (stifling a laugh and crying) Can I Please have your number? (Ahab turns around from office and gives me a quizzical look...)
Patty: (heavily breathing and whispering) 2...1....2.....(Heavy breathing resumes)...
Me: (click)

I immediately hung up and couldn't keep from laughing...
I really appreciate well timed saves from the DOM when he's driving me nuts, but it's difficult to just run with it when the person on the other end sounds like darth vadar.


The other day I was taking the train to work and some woman started to sing hymnals... I hate when people sing hymnals on the train... but, this woman had a pretty voice and the song was slow and soft so I figured that it could definitely be worse.... 10 minutes later it did get worse... much worse.... She started screaming to Jesus and thanking him... then she started crying and rolling around on the floor thanking Jesus over and over again.... people were getting up and moving into the next train car... I wasn't about to give up my seat, so I stayed right where I was..... She kept screaming "I want to thank you Jesus for giving me strength... please Jesus give me more strength"... then she started listing different things she wanted strength for until some random man shouted..."Please Jesus tell this woman to shut the f*** up"....
Everyone looked at him completely appalled... I looked at him and smiled... afterall, come on people...we were all thinking it, he just had the balls to say it....



The DOM has a major problem with viruses on his computer. Guess he was looking at too much porn online. Our IT guy had to come in and do major damage control....afterwords he told me that he put controls on the DOM's internet... I had to tell the general, who in turn told the DOM while we were all out at lunch....

The general: no more porn, we've got parental controls on you now
DOM: I hope not... I get emails from friends I like to pass on....
Waitress: Any desserts anyone?
Ahab: this...
Patty: Cheesecake
Me: Same
DOM: Do you have cookies?
Waitress: No, no cookies....
DOM: Can I lick your hand?