The Latest Addition

So I did it… I bought a puppy. This was extremely exciting news for me and was received positively by everyone except my father who actually compared me getting a pet to my brother getting his girlfriend knocked up. Which is funny, because I was constantly comparing it to the recent Crate and Barrel couch purchase I made over the winter. Except Charlie (the puppy) was more expensive than the couch and I have to feed him….he’s a fancy couch that I have to walk and feed three times a day….

My father believes that my purchasing a dog is actually me nurturing my maternal instincts…. I assured him that that’s not possible. I suffer from anxiety at the mere thought of not being able to have an alcoholic beverage of my choice for nine months straight…and quite frankly, there’s nothing maternal about that…


I had to take Charlie to the vet for the first time on Monday. I’m convinced that my vet is a complete lunatic and I am never going back there again. After asking me if I had any experience with animals (and me answering with a definitive yes…) he proceeded to talk to me as if I was mentally retarded:

Example 1:

Vet: now what do you feed your puppy?
Me: uh…puppy food…oh, do you mean what brand?
Vet: Do we give our puppy a filet or puppy food?
Me: A filet, haha…right Charlie!?
Vet: uhmm… no.
Me: oh, I know… I was just kidding…
Vet: no, seriously…would you give your child filet every day? Would you? I mean, that’s malnutrition isn’t it….
Me: uh… yeah…

Example 2:

Vet: now I can tell that you and your boyfriend are a real urban couple (please note: boyfriend not with me…boyfriend not even in TriState Area…)
Me: ??
Vet: yep, you’re an urban couple. And sometimes I bet you go out and you may be getting ready and not feeling well and you may pop some advil or another pain killer of choice so that you can have a good time.
Me: !?
Vet: And let’s say you drop a pill and you think to yourself..”oh, I’ve got my hair done and my heels on and I don’t want to bend over…I’ll just get it later”…. No, no, no… you can’t do that now because you need to puppy proof your house!
Me: (internally: you’ve got to be kidding me…) oh… uh huh….
Vet: And your puppy is …well…a puppy…. And puppies lose their teeth… do you remember when you lost your first tooth and there was blood??
Me: (internally: nope, don’t remember, because I’ve apparently been addicted to pain killers since the young age of 5, so I don’t remember anything past the age of 4.) ….. yes.
Vet: And do you remember there was blood??
Me: yes….
Vet: same with your puppy!!!
Me: (internally: jesus christ…) oh …okay!


Example 3:

Vet: now you should not let babies eat dog poop… do you know why?
Me: because it’s poop?....
Vet: No, because sometimes dogs get worms and the only way people can get worms is by eating the dogs poop.
Me: !?
Vet: And so it’s very important that you don’t let your baby eat dog poop.
Me: I…uh… I don’t have a baby.
Vet: Well, I’m not judging….I’m just saying….never let your baby eat dog poop because the baby may get worms from the poop.
Me: good to know… thanks…