rearranging the almosts

When I was younger any time I felt a need for change I would rearrange the furniture in my bedroom. Now that I'm older and living in a much smaller apartment in NYC, when I need change I rip everything out of my closet and put it all back together. My mother always said that I'm just displacing for the things I really wish to change and the reason I continue to rearrange is because it's my way of figuring out what it is I really need to change.

Since November, I've been rearranging my closet alot....and each time I do it, it seems just as cluttered as the time before. As I've gotten older, I find that I tend to hit walls and I crave change.... but figuring out where exactly I need the change is another story all together. A very wise person once told me that in life, you come across alot of almosts... The relationship that is almost perfect, but not quite, the job that's almost exactly what you want, but something feels off, the apartment, the city, the lifestyle...that almost fit you, but not quite perfectly. Many people settle for the almosts because, ultimately, they are afraid that if they get rid of the "almost" they may never find the "just right". Only the truly gutsy make the move.

Over the winter I bought a new couch and painted my living room because rearranging my closet just wasn't cutting it for me. Today, I came to terms with the change I needed and resigned from my almost perfect job. This was, to date, the most important decision of my life. When I have left jobs in the past there has been no regret, and this is the first time that the parting has been bittersweet. I'm leaving the general; my mentor and teacher for what I hope will be a better fit. The conversation was had with shakey hands and a lump in my throat as we discussed my decision and his belief in my success and reasons for thinking I should stay. I have spent the past three years doing everything in my power not to disappoint him and my exit has been the worst disappointment of all. Our conversation ended as only a conversation with the general could end:

the general: are you sure about this decision?
me: i wouldn't have come to you if i wasn't
the general: please keep in touch... i want to know that you're happy
me: i will
the general: the door here is always open
me: ok
the general: now no more sappy stuff... get out of here.

This of course, was in sharp contrast with my entire conversation with Ahab.

Ahab: quite frankly i've been disappointed with your quality of work lately... i'm surprised at how little you know about wealth management.
Me: oh
Ahab: so i hope they teach you something at this new place
Me: me too....
Ahab: can you focus on what I need done while you're here?
Me: yes
Ahab: great... better get cracking...

So there you have it... I kept telling myself as I reorganized my shoes last night that if I stayed it would be emotional, if I left, it was business. The two conversations depicted my internal battle perfectly... emotional vs. business. It took everything in me not to tell Ahab that "they" were one of the most prestigous and well respected firms in NYC and that I had to take an IQ test and score well in an aptitude test before they would make an offer...so apparently I couldn't be too stupid... but alas...it just would have been words and breathe waisted... best to keep things amicable.

So I've made my gutsy move. I'm leaving my "almost" for something new. We'll see how it turns out... in the meantime, hopefully my shoes and my closet will get a little rest.