Pearls for the Princess

I recently caught myself telling my best friend that "the more I see of the world, the more I am disappointed in it". But that's not really true. It's not really the world I'm disappointed in, but some people, some people that I had thought the world of. It's funny how that happens, how disappointment can have such a strong effect on you. My mother has always told me that a serious disappointment can leave a lump in your throat the same way a serious loss can, and sometimes you just have to mourn it that way.
As I get older I realize that my mother is the wisest person I know. She has always been filled with delicate phrases and comments that she had probably learned from her mother:

"You can't put your self-worth in the hands of others Sara, that is something you must hold yourself... most are not worthy of holding something so precious and fragile."

"As you get older you'll find that the things you would have cheated destiny to hold onto aren't worth doing so... There are many things in life that you will have to work hard to obtain, nothing worth having is given to you....just don't lose sight of yourself and those who matter to you in the pursuit of those things you feel are necessary to have."

"The one constant in life is change; people change, places change and things you've loved will change.... fighting it won't stop it from happening. You must graciously accept it, say goodbye, and move on."

I think of these things as those I love most struggle with the average quarter life crisis questions:

What am I doing with my life?
Is this really my job?
Do I really want to live here?
Is this really my salary?

I think of them as I've watched relationships that have lasted over half a decade fall apart and as friends turn to me for some wisdom.... I'm never sure what to say.... I often say "you're not the same person you were when you were 20, you've both changed". There's an empty comfort in that, I know.... but there's truth as well. Sometimes it's just that simple, just that complex. Change is usually gradual, we just choose not to notice it until it slaps us in the face. I laugh when I think of the little changes:
-I no longer eat Tollhouse Ice cream sandwiches -sigh- (well at least, not weekly) -- the last time I had one was in March... when I was 20 I made a ritual of eating them at least twice a week. I'm not sure when I stopped doing that... one day I just realized I hadn't eaten them in a long time...(I should have one today)
-I need a solid 8 hours of sleep otherwise I'm a mess.... when I was 20, I definitely survived on like 4 hours of sleep, tops.
- I get up at 8:30am, and that's sleeping in (unless I got blasted the night before).... when I was 20, 11am was considered getting up early.
- My boyfriend finishes my meals for me... when I was 20 I could out eat most men (God I miss that metabolism...)
-At 20 I could out drink most guys (yeah Albany!) and then the next day drink about 5 cups of super large DD coffee.... today that would put me right in the hospital with another ulcer.... (I just made myself feel so old)

There are other things "missing" from my life now that I had when I was in my early 20's. Some are significant, some are sentimental, and many are trivial...but all have inevitably been "replaced" by something else.
My mom is right... life is full of change, some of them are painful to watch but there's no point in fighting it. If you're lucky, through the difficult changes, you have wonderful people to support you and one day you come out the other side, better for having been through it.
In honor of knowing I've come out the otherside, and knowing that those I love will do the same, I'm going to have a tollhouse...a bite of something sweet from my early twenties, that hasn't become bitter over the years of change.

The Count

The Count from Sesame Street is in love with my sister, Nicholle. Okay, so he's not exactly The Count from Sesame Street but he totally looks like The Count and he's from Transylvania. His name is actually Sergio or Claudio or something like that, but I'm just going to call him The Count....I mean, it's not like he actually has a shot... he looks like a muppet. Besides, he's totally on my $&it list....I mean big time. He was given one responsibility when we went out on Thursday with my sister's co-workers...one (!). When Nicholle and I were about to ride the mechanical bull (yes, that's right, I made my sister ride a mechanical bull infront of her co-workers... so I guess I probably deserved the black eyes)...anyway, when we were about to get on the bull I turned to The Count and handed him Nicholle's camera and gave him the responsibility of taking pictures of us on the bull. Now I find out that he didn't take any pictures...(!).... he took like 10 pictures of when my sister was on by herself but not a single one of when we were on together!.... wtf!?... I broke my nose and ended up with two black eyes which means no one will ever let me ride a mechanical bull again and this turd didn't take any pictures!?... Freaking Count....just goes to show you, you can never trust a muppet.

Drinking and Riding

I rode a mechanical bull on Thursday night ....then I fell off and broke my nose. Yep, thats right, broke my nose. Apparently I have no business riding animals, real or mechanical, while under the influence.
Five years ago, while at a BBQ at my sisters ranch in upstate New York, I decided, after a few beers, that it would be a good idea to go horse back riding. The end result was me in a boot that went from my toes to my knee on my left leg...3 weeks as a boot master and 3 months in physical therapy trying to walk again. So I've definitely scratched riding horses off of my "things I can do while drunk" list.
After 5 gin and tonics and 2 beers, riding a mechanical bull seemed like a very good idea. Especially since I had every intention of dragging my sister onto the bull with me, that way I could hold onto her and not get hurt (Note to self: You do not think logically at all after 3 drinks) Needless to say, after a couple seconds of violent bucking we went flying off and I heard a crack as my nose came in contact with the back of my sisters head. But, not being one to not be lady like, I gracefully laughed, waved at our friends and stepped out of the ring and went into the bathroom before I bled everywhere. Conveniently enough, there was a nurse using the bathroom at the same time and she was able to help me. Funny thing about getting smacked so hard in the face that your head is literally spinning...all you want is a beer, well, and to puke....but mostly I wanted my beer. After some time, I was able to pull myself together and rejoin the festivities. No one was the wiser and I was quite proud of myself. Not only did I manage to lose half my body wait in blood and still keep partying but no one other than my sister even knew I was hurt!! It was great....that is until I woke up the following morning with a splitting headache, two black eyes and one very swollen nose. I desperately tried to recall the events of the night before.....I remembered getting a phone call from Karl in my drunken stupor and me telling him that he was going to have to fly up to Rochester and then drive back to NYC with me because I didnt want to fly with a broken nose and two black eyes....you know, a conversation every boyfriend wants to have with his girlfriend at 2am on a Thursday night (Friday morning). (Another note to self: all forms of communication should promptly be taken away from me after I am injured while intoxicated.) After a couple of minutes everything else slowly came back to me...Ouch......
Right, cross riding mechanical bulls off of my "things I can do while drunk" list as well. This is about to become a very short and boring list.

Random

Some random things I’ve been thinking about lately:
(Disclaimer: It’s not that I don’t have a life and that’s why I think about this kind of stuff all of the time… I just have a very active mind. Things like this are also the reason why I can’t seem to find my house keys … ever.)

Cucaracha’s v. waterbugs: Why is it that I’m supposed to feel better when it’s a waterbug and not a cucaracha? Waterbugs fly…. and charge at people. My roommate was attacked by one the other day and almost dropped dead of a heart attack. Fortunately she had a frying pan handy to deflect it and give herself enough time to run and lock herself in her bedroom until our neighbor could come rescue her. Waterbugs are not a lesser evil.

Why is there never air conditioning in elevators? There’s heat in the winter but never AC in the summer. There is nothing worse then having to get into a steamy elevator just so that you can officially melt before stepping into one’s office.

I bought Reese’s peanut butter cups the other day to help me with my chocolate craving and they tasted like Pepto. How does that happen? I mean, it’s not like the Reese’s are next to the stomach meds in Duane Reade…. Someone spiked my Reese’s with Pepto.

I was told the other day that if a girl has a tattoo on the small of her back it’s called a tramp stamp. Tramp Stamp?? …. I think tacky jewelry, bad tans and super long acrylic nails are a better indicator. I can think of a lot of different things that could pretty much stamp you as a tramp… I don’t really get why a tattoo is one….I mean, I do…but I don’t.

Has anyone had the privilege of receiving one of the new NYS driver’s licenses? I’m totally convinced that the people who sat down and designed it had all done some serious amounts of acid or shrooming at some point in their life. I haven’t been this freaked out by something pretty basic since my bff in college smoked some serious hydro and was high off of her face watching Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen play laser tag.

I was sitting around having dinner with my boyfriend and his friends the other day. They were having “boy talk”. Guys actually have “boy talk” and it’s just like “girl talk” only about girls. It was hysterical to me. All that I was missing was a mimosa and some stellar sandals (I was in flip flops)… I would have felt just like I was hanging out with my girls.

In order to prevent incidents like the previously mentioned “attack of the prehistoric killer water bug” Karl bought Sarah and I some serious foam growing filler stuff that is amazing! It fills everything (holes, cracks, pipes, everything!) and bugs can’t get through! I want foam grow fill my entire apartment now… and my office too since we have bugs there also… but no one usually lets me use those types of things unsupervised… otherwise I would have foam grow filled my entire life by now.

Naked

I was the breakfast bitch at work today. I went downstairs and took everyones orders before I went. While I was waiting in line for my order I noticed the chick next to me was naked. Naked! I mean, not literally, but basically. She had on a pair of CFM heals, no need to use your imagination tight-ass pants, and a tank top that her boobs were literally falling out of. Ok, so I know its summer and its ridiculously hot out, but this is an office building (!) and I'm pretty sure they have a "we prefer it if youre wearing clothes" dress code....I do have to admit, she had a banging body I was checking her out just as much as the guys were. Not in a lesbian way...I'm not a lesbian....but in a "wow, that girl has an amazing body and I'm super jealous" kind of way. Anyway, naked woman (one iced coffee) got a few steps ahead of me (3 coffees in hand and two bags of food in the other) when we were walking to the elevator bank on the way back to our respective offices...maybe 5 steps ahead of me. The elevator came and before I could get over and into the elevator she shut the door in my face...!!... I couldn't believe it. Freaking naked b*&%$... there are going to be some serious nasty looks thrown in her direction if I ever see her again.

Good and Hard

That's exactly the way my best friend likes her creme brulee.... gentlemen take note.

"Let's just wait a minute, I like them good and hard."
- Sarah at Bar Tabac on Saturday talking about her dessert

Almost eaten by a cucaracha

I'm not saying it actually happened.... it just almost happened.
Patty and I were hard at work in the office by ourselves when Patty noticed a giant cucaracha (or something closely resembling one) was in the light above my desk and frantically trying to escape. After I recovered from nearly fainting the following conversation ensued:

Me: Patty it's trying to get out....
PR: I know Sara... do something!
Me: I don't do cucaracha's... omigod, it's going to eat us!
PR: We have to kill it.
Me: Inh..... what are you doing?
PR (while throwing tiny plastic cup up at light): I'm trying to knock the cover off of the light with the cup!
Me: Um, I don't think that's going to work... you have to try something else.
PR: Like the umbrella?...Yes, I'm going to use the umbrella.
Me (picking up coffee cup, binder and general things of importance off of desk): Wait! If you knock it down it will fall on my desk!
PR: Sara, it's like 3 feet from your desk.
Me (squeaking slightly): Ok, someone has to kill it once it falls.
PR: Well, I'm knocking it down with the umbrella...so that leaves you to kill it.
Me: Ok... I'm going to need a really big shoe... (pulling out pump with a mega heal from desk)... ok, I'll do it.
PR: Ready???
Me (almost fainting): I guess.....

It took three attemps at knocking the screen off of the light before the "cucaracha" came falling down and then went scurrying around on the floor. After much squealing (from Patty and I) and shoe pounding (me) it was dead. I say "it" because we're not exactly sure what it was... but it wasn't a cucaracha. It was black and green and almost ate us. We covered it's dead body with a plastic cup and seriously debated leaving it there for the cleaning people to find and take care of. After deciding that that may give it the opportunity to de-squish itself and come back to life we opted to flush it down the toilet in the bathroom down the hall.

Not a good start to the morning.....

Substitutes

There are many things that I will take a substitute for:

- I happily replaced a boyfriend that couldn't return phone calls or justify his general asshole-like behavior, for one that is kind and returns phone calls and much more.

- I would love to exchange our office "state of the art" HP Laserjet 4345mfp Printer/Scanner/Fax machine for simple a printer or scanner or fax machine that actually works.

-I'll trade up from waxing to laser hair removal

- I'll interchange tea and coffee based on what's available.

But I can not make any substitutes when it comes to chocolate chip cookies. None! I love my chocolate chip cookies. The other day, my boss (a.k.a. Ahab) was kind enough to go downstairs and buy me a chocolate chip cookie...only he came back with an oatmeal raisin cookie. Oatmeal raisin! I hate raisins! But, not wanting to sound unappreciative, I graciously accepted the cookie and said thank you. Two hours later he came out of his office and noticed that I still hadn't touched the cookie. I desperately tried to explain that it was only because I had gotten very busy, but to no prevail. So, I did the unthinkable. I forced myself to choke down the entire oatmeal raisin cookie with a smile on my face. It was torture, but I did it. I really didn't do it to spare Ahab's feeling's.... ultimately, I just didn't want to deter him from buying me any cookies in the future.