Lies and Free Cones

This weekend Karl and I went upstate to visit his family. Due to the sensative nature of his mother's emotional constitution, we have to strategically plan out and lie through our teeth any time we want to hang out with his brother and sister-in-law with out the parents. This is very foreign to me, seeing as my parents (and god parents) flee the country for a month every year and desperately try to forget that they even have children. Not to mention the fact that I simply can not lie. I've got a shot if it's over the phone, but if it's face to face, I'm screwed... and I'm taking down all parties involved with me.


Why is the cafe car on Amtrak trains so small and why don't they have better seats and tables? It's a long trip, they should really turn the cafe car into a nice lounge. I plan to write a letter to Amtrak.


Ever notice that when the train happens to not be packed during rush hour people are much more likely to spread out and not make room for others to sit. Even if there are people standing and some that want to sit, typically the people already sitting take up twice the space necessary. .... Jerks.


I realized the other day that my hair is a perfect reflection of the kind of day I'm having. Regardless of how many times I brush it or try to pull it back, if I'm having a day where I'm completely burned out or flustered, my hair looks like I just spent 15 minutes in a wind tunnel.


Monday I had to travel for work for meetings to Philly and Baltimore. I was so flustered when I left my office at 7am that I grabbed a sharpie instead of a pen for my meetings. By the time we arrived in Philly and were half way through our meeting my stomach started growling which meant the hic ups were coming soon. So there I was, trying to look respectable, serious and knowledgable; taking notes with a sharpie, stomach growling and hic uping.... and that's the kind of stuff you need to be made of to get a deal closed and a contract signed in my profession.


The DOM has been out of the office because he allegedly contracted a parasite during his visit to Africa. I know I should feel bad....but I don't... he probably caught it while looking at African porn.


Tuesday was free cone day at Ben and Jerry's...every year since I was 19 Elissa and I (and other various friends) have participated in free cone day and made it an annual ritual. This year however, due to extenuating circumstances I could not participate in free cone day. Much to my dismay, this threw Elissa into a terrible fit of depression where she cursed "all of Knightsbridge" and P-did's. Ultimately, Elissa has decided to give up on free cone day all together and has vowed never to have ice cream again. Well poo on you Eeyore, I'll be participating in free cone day next year with or without you!!

And these are the days of our lives....

Yesterday I was craving sweets. The DOM was going downstairs to get a soda and when asked if I would like anything while he was out, a quick "large chocolate chip cookie and tea" was my response. However my sugar and chocolate dreams were dashed when he returned with an oatmeal raisin cookie. Oatmeal raisin!... I love oatmeal, I eat grapes, I drink wine...but I hate, hate (!), raisins...and oatmeal raisin does not equal chocolate chip. Normally I would snub the raisin cookie but I was so desperate for sugar that I sat at my desk and tried to eat around all of the raisins. When that wasn't progressing quickly enough for me, I actually moved away from my desk and sat next to the garbage can in my office, picking out the raisins and attempted to eat the remainder of the raisin infested cookie.... when asked later by Patty what I was doing, I told her "I'm working on getting a raise".


Speaking of raises... I haven't received one in almost two years. Apparently hard work and virtually being a slave to ones job do not necessarily earn someone a raise in my company (which explains why I have decided to take the opposite approach). I, of course, blame Patty. She has worked for the General for 7 years and has never asked for anything.... thus setting a ridiculously high standard of non-complaint for the rest of us poor suckers that follow behind her. In any other company, Patty would easily be making double her current salary, even so, Saint Patty will not utter a peep...that is until recently...armed with the facts she inquired after our annual raises to The General who promptly sent an email to Ahab regarding the urgent matter, who promptly went home sick after reading the email to avoid having to discuss the issue further.... hahahaha... you've gotta love when a boss appreciates the hard work of his subordinates....


My mother once told me, "making fun of someones level of intelligence and calling them retarded, will not make you smarter".... okay, okay... I always technically got the gravity of what she was trying to tell me but I still definitely love the word retarded....I love retards...always have, always will. But I definitely applied the rule to other matters in life. -- I have a friend who, from the first time I met him, had a quirky sense of humor that just cracked me up. I immediately adored him and respected his creativity and witty commentary on the world around him. Lately however, the wit has changed... there is something negative to say about everyone and everything around him, nothing is good enough, nothing is funny enough.... That's the funny thing about miserable... finding fault in everyone around you won't make you happier with yourself.


This morning on the train I was sitting next to this tiny Asian woman, praying on her rosary beads. When she finished, she belched twice and fell asleep.


Today I have big plans to do my own laundry for the first time in about a year and a half. When I first moved down to the city, I vowed never to become a true New Yorker, I would cling to my upstate values like they were my life line. Needless to say, that didn't work out and I have caved on virtually every front... I pay someone to do virtually everything in my life. Except clean my house...and I think that that's an option under serious consideration at this time. I have now also officially ditched my morals out of convenience. I vowed never to go back to the dry cleaners down the block from my apartment after they ruined a designer dress that I bought before I ever got the chance to wear it and refused to reimburse me for it. But told me that I should try returning it to the store. I have a lot of dry cleaning that needs to be done and I have no idea where else to take my clothes that is close to my apartment. I have a sneaking suspicion that I will cave today and drop my clothes off at the shady cleaners.....jerks.


Recently, Jessica started working in my office. The DOM not only insists on calling her Jennifer, but unfortunately has opted to not spare her from the nasty inappropriate remarks that so frequently fly out of his mouth. Jessica is an aspiring actress with an audition tomorrow... next thing I know I hear the DOM from my office predicting that "Jennifer's" audition will be more of a dancing strip tease than a respectable audition.... total law suit waiting to happen.

Be Kind, Rewind...

Last night, I watched the most recent episode of Grey's Anatomy. I had actually watched it at Karl's when it aired... but I wanted to watch it free of Karl's G.A. play by play commentary with a prompt thumbs down and "ppplllbbb" sound at the end of the show... There was a part where Christina says " why can't life have a rewind button, you know... be kind, rewind..." and I found myself talking back to the TV..."that's right....rewind!"

Last Saturday I went out to a birthday dinner with and for one of my boyfriends coworkers. Somehow the conversation turned, against my wishes, to my opinion on different shows... I intended to say, "oh, I'm not a good judge...I like everything." How it came out?

"Oh, I'm not a good judge, I mean, Karl hated the preview of Mary Poppins and I loved it." (table full of people who worked on MP)
"I mean, he didn't hate it, hate it... he just was more critical than I would be. He thought some of the cues were way off" (as I'm sitting across from the guy who got fired for bad cues...)
"I mean... we both really liked it"

..... Rewind (!)....



Vanity Fair is publishing The General's dirty laundry in this months issue. When asked yesterday if it was "bad"... all I could do to reply was say..."well, they compare you and Peter...closely."

....Rewind, don't talk to press...



Since I broke my foot I have only been able to get back to the gym this past week. Feeling slightly over zealous about getting back into shape yesterday, I changed the setting on my bike from "cardio" to "mountain".... I breezed through it while flipping between Law and Order and Jeopordy...and not feeling any pain due to the fact that I was getting a high off of knowing almost every answer during the double Jeopordy round. This morning I went to stand up when getting out of bed and I literally fell over... legs like jello...

.....Rewind.... ease up on the bike...

Last night I had a slight nervous breakdown regarding my job, my boss and my career... I called Karl approximately 17 times in 28 minutes... each time having a 2 minute convo re: not exactly sure...(?)... followed by a quick "i have to go...bye".... and repeated. Then I took a shower to "calm down" which only made me finally breakdown.... which then led to hysterical crying on the phone.....

.........Rewind... ease up on coffee intake, take away all forms of communication, stay longer at the gym, probably should be shot with tranquilizer dart...

Received this email from a friend today:

I haven't had anything to drink all day. Ran to Jeff's office to steal my scissors back to cut open a packet of Crystal Light lemonade. I couldn't rip it because it was wet after I dropped it in the water by accident. I needed to cut it open because the powder had gotten wet and was no longer powder. All of a sudden I turn around and there are 3 really cute guys standing there. There are here for a meeting with Noah. As I was walking them to the conference room, I walked into a wall....

...... Rewind... look straight ahead when walking...