Yes Madam, I am drunk

Do you ever have those moments where you say or do something and people look around, and quite possibly even mouth, “Is she drunk??” This, for me, is the norm… except when I’m around British people… then they mouth, “Is she pissed??” I’m usually not. It’s just my natural state. I am meeting my boyfriend’s family in two days and I have begged him to mentally prepare them for meeting me by explaining to them before hand that I am, most definitely, socially retarded. He refuses. Not only does he refuse to tell them, but he insists on living under the delusion that I am, in fact, not socially retarded. While most would see this as endearing, I find it to be extremely alarming. I mean, have we met?? Has he not heard and been witness to many socially retarded acts on my part?? Let me give some recent examples:

I recently was away on a business trip in Chicago. On said business trips, our clients usually have no concept of time, especially when there is a time change involved. On my first night in Chicago I got a phone call from my boyfriend at around midnight, somehow in the time that I had woken up, looked at my caller ID, walked into the other room and answered my phone, I had missed the call from Karl and one of my clients had called.

Me: Hi Baby.
Client: Sara??
Me (half asleep and very confused): Oh my god, ----! I thought you were my boyfriend… he has the same number….
Client: He has the same number? That’s not possible.
Me: I…uh… I don’t know… why are you calling?
Client: I don’t even remember anymore…


I also have a horrible tendency to use the phrase “I’m easy” all of the time when people ask me to make decisions. The other day I was ordering a sandwich….

Me: turkey, provolone, and mustard on a roll
Sandwich guy: we’re out of provolone
Me: ok, swiss
SG: we’re out of swiss
Me: ok, give me whatever you have, I’m easy.
Guy standing next to me: ha, you’re easy?
Me (oblivious): yes
GSNTM: You seem like a nice girl, so you really should stop telling people that.
Me (20 minutes later, back at my desk, rethinking conversation): ugh, I didn’t mean that kind of easy….jerk.



Do you ever panic in elevators when someone is running to catch the elevator and you want to hold it for them? I always do. All of the sudden I can’t remember which side the “door open” button is on. Today, Patty’s shoe got caught in the doorway to the elevator while she was getting on. We both had flashes of the article we had read yesterday about the poor Ohio State student that was tragically killed when an elevator crushed him. I wanted to hit the “door open” button but I freaked out because I didn’t want to close the doors on her either… so we both just sat there and screamed until her shoe came out of the nook. Thank god no one was around to see/hear us.



Lastly, speaking of Patty and I and the stupid things we do….



The other day I was going through the filing cabinet at work when an enormous cucarocha ran across my hand. Remembering where I was and that Ahab was on the phone and the General doesn’t like girlie girl screams I pulled myself together and casually walked over to Patty’s desk.

Me: Patty, I’m sorry, I know you are very busy but there is an enormous cucarocha in the file cabinet and it just tried to eat me.
Patty: oh no…. ugh, so I guess you want me to help you.
Me: yes
Patty (walking over to file cabinet): you should probably get a big shoe out of your desk to kill it with.
Me (grabbing shoe and standing at the ready): ok, but I don’t think I have a shoe big enough… ok, wait… before we start we need to make a pact… if someone passes out the other picks them up off of the floor and doesn’t just leave them there with the cucarocha.
Patty: ok
Me: good, because it’s huge and I think I’m going to faint.
Patty (while searching through cabinet): please don’t sara

Two minutes later:
Patty: sara, it’s not in here… are you sure you weren’t imagining things?
Me: no, keep looking, it’s definitely in there, it almost ate me
Patty: now you’re exaggerating… I don’t think it’s in here…Ah!...
Me: EEK!

After the second siting we ran into the Generals office and there we stood, me with my shoe at the ready and patty trying to stand patiently in front of the General’s desk. There the General sat, reading glasses on, very serious and stern look on his face….

Patty: I hate to bother you…but there is an enormous cucarocha in the filing cabinet and you have to go out there and kill it.
The General (looking at me, then at the shoe in my hand, then back at me again): Is this a joke?
Patty: No… it’s huge.
Me (giggling nervously): it almost ate me
The General: ok, it’s a joke…look at Sara, she can’t even stop laughing
Patty: don’t pay attention to Sara
The General: Ok, let me look….

The General came to our rescue and killed the enormous cucarocha. It was a fierce battle, but he won. I attribute it to his years in the military.

After telling this story to a couple of my friends, they all tell me that cucarocha’s live in groups…there’s never just one… personally, this one was so big that I think he actually ate all of the others, but I’ll be sure to keep everyone posted.