Be a Mentor Sara

It's been a while since I have written a blog, I know... so here's the exciting update:

Friends: same
Boyfriend: same
Friends' Boyfriends: same
Family: same
Living situation: ugh, same
Job: new (updates to follow)
Dog: same

Yep, I think that catches everyone up.


Okay, so as everyone is aware, I started a new job about 2 months ago. One of the first things that was made very clear to me from my second day on, was that they were looking for me to mentor the young ones in the office. It was also made fairly clear, that the higher ups were hoping that the mentoring would be taken beyond the office and into the personal realm as well. This, to me, is a complete joke. While I am quite good at faking being put together, I am, beyond all doubt, the biggest head case to ever walk the face of the earth. Being completely honest with myself about said glitches in overall togetherness...I, of course, smiled at my bosses and said... "absolutely".

This past Thursday in an effort to be a mentor, I went out and treated the young ones (ages 22-23)to drinks after work. I did this after popping two Tylenol Cold and Sinus tablets. One and a half beers later, the conversation went something like this:

Me: I'll give you a little piece of advice that no one bothered to tell me...
Young ones: what!?
yes, please tell us!?
yes, what is it!?
Me: It's called the quarter life crisis...
YO: !?
Me: Yep. It's when everyone freaks out when they are 25 about their careers, their relationships, their family...everything. Oh, and it's when every 5 year long relationship bites the dust.
YO: Wait?... How?... What do you mean?
Me: Well, basically, everything you think you know...you don't ... and there's no point in being in a relationship right now, because you're just going to end up breaking up.... I mean, utter heart ache... So just, work hard, drink hard, enjoy your friends....and then meet some nice boy when you're like 26 or so.
YO: (complete silence - faces looking of utter devestation)
Me: (looking very pleased with myself)

Yep, I'm a great mentor.

rearranging the almosts

When I was younger any time I felt a need for change I would rearrange the furniture in my bedroom. Now that I'm older and living in a much smaller apartment in NYC, when I need change I rip everything out of my closet and put it all back together. My mother always said that I'm just displacing for the things I really wish to change and the reason I continue to rearrange is because it's my way of figuring out what it is I really need to change.

Since November, I've been rearranging my closet alot....and each time I do it, it seems just as cluttered as the time before. As I've gotten older, I find that I tend to hit walls and I crave change.... but figuring out where exactly I need the change is another story all together. A very wise person once told me that in life, you come across alot of almosts... The relationship that is almost perfect, but not quite, the job that's almost exactly what you want, but something feels off, the apartment, the city, the lifestyle...that almost fit you, but not quite perfectly. Many people settle for the almosts because, ultimately, they are afraid that if they get rid of the "almost" they may never find the "just right". Only the truly gutsy make the move.

Over the winter I bought a new couch and painted my living room because rearranging my closet just wasn't cutting it for me. Today, I came to terms with the change I needed and resigned from my almost perfect job. This was, to date, the most important decision of my life. When I have left jobs in the past there has been no regret, and this is the first time that the parting has been bittersweet. I'm leaving the general; my mentor and teacher for what I hope will be a better fit. The conversation was had with shakey hands and a lump in my throat as we discussed my decision and his belief in my success and reasons for thinking I should stay. I have spent the past three years doing everything in my power not to disappoint him and my exit has been the worst disappointment of all. Our conversation ended as only a conversation with the general could end:

the general: are you sure about this decision?
me: i wouldn't have come to you if i wasn't
the general: please keep in touch... i want to know that you're happy
me: i will
the general: the door here is always open
me: ok
the general: now no more sappy stuff... get out of here.

This of course, was in sharp contrast with my entire conversation with Ahab.

Ahab: quite frankly i've been disappointed with your quality of work lately... i'm surprised at how little you know about wealth management.
Me: oh
Ahab: so i hope they teach you something at this new place
Me: me too....
Ahab: can you focus on what I need done while you're here?
Me: yes
Ahab: great... better get cracking...

So there you have it... I kept telling myself as I reorganized my shoes last night that if I stayed it would be emotional, if I left, it was business. The two conversations depicted my internal battle perfectly... emotional vs. business. It took everything in me not to tell Ahab that "they" were one of the most prestigous and well respected firms in NYC and that I had to take an IQ test and score well in an aptitude test before they would make an offer...so apparently I couldn't be too stupid... but alas...it just would have been words and breathe waisted... best to keep things amicable.

So I've made my gutsy move. I'm leaving my "almost" for something new. We'll see how it turns out... in the meantime, hopefully my shoes and my closet will get a little rest.

My much anticipated wellies from J. Crew arrived at my office today. They don't fit over my damn calves because apparently wellies from J. Crew are only made for girls with chicken legs.... I'm so depressed....

I've said this before and I will say it again... living in NYC is completely and utterly making me shed my morals and values. Not because I'm exposed to bad influences (which I am) but because of necessity. I never intended to have someone else do my laundry for me but alas here I am, because the laundry mat is 6 blocks from my house and don't have hours that really work with my schedule.... and I'm lazy....

I've always sworn that I would not move in with my significant other before I was married. Due to financial reasons (i.e. saving money) I've agreed to alter that to until we're engaged.... However, this morning I was on craigslist and I saw a 2 bedroom, 1 office, giant kitchen, living room, bathroom, etc....lots of closet space and sunlight (!!) apartment in my neighborhood which is right in my price range. Morals, values... completely out the window.... I emailed the link to both my roommate and my boyfriend and decided whoever the first taker was that would be the person I'd move in with!! ... Of course 30 seconds later I realized that they were both on business trips and were in different time zones and chances were at 8:30am EST...I would have zero takers. This was a major Debby Downer.... but probably for the best..... their respective business trips were the only thing keeping me from being a moraless apartment hunting tramp.

I've noticed that ever since the first crazy vet that I met with told me to specifically keep my dog away from pennies....pennies keep popping up all over my house. I was cleaning over the weekend and I found 15 pennies scattered through out the house.... 15.... not a small number... I'm starting to think someone is trying to assassinate my dog.

I am not the first of my friends to have to walk down the aisle.... the bridesmaid aisle that is.... but I am the first of my friends who is a bridesmaid to someone none of us really know. My brother is getting married. His fiance is a very sweet girl and when she asked me to be a bridesmaid I promptly replied ... "if you stick me in a tacky dress with a bow on my a$$ I'm not going to be anything...." Not because I think she has bad taste, she always dresses well... but sometimes I think brides crumble under the pressure of having to make so many decisions that some of them lose all sense of their senses and their friends and family suffer the consequences.... case and point.... when my sister was getting married she wanted to make my dress slightly different from the rest of the bridesmaid dresses since I was the maid of honor. Her way of doing this was creating a slit in my dress that went all the way up to my mid thigh..... (!!) .... fortunately her fiance turned out to be completely mental so the wedding was called off and I was saved from wearing that catastrophy of a dress. Of course my blatent objection to wearing a tacky dress for quite possibly the sweetest future sister in law ever, has resulted in my friends sending emails where they stick my head on various bedazzled dresses.....

Lastly, I realized this morning that when it rains here, I become a complete disaster.... I'm not sure why exactly, but without fail it happens. This morning I left the house in navy pants and a black top. I also stepped in a giant puddle on the way to my office so I was soaking went from like my knees down...I'm hoping that my recent purchase of wellies from J. Crew will help with the rain = basket case problem...cute shoes solve all problems.

The Latest Addition

So I did it… I bought a puppy. This was extremely exciting news for me and was received positively by everyone except my father who actually compared me getting a pet to my brother getting his girlfriend knocked up. Which is funny, because I was constantly comparing it to the recent Crate and Barrel couch purchase I made over the winter. Except Charlie (the puppy) was more expensive than the couch and I have to feed him….he’s a fancy couch that I have to walk and feed three times a day….

My father believes that my purchasing a dog is actually me nurturing my maternal instincts…. I assured him that that’s not possible. I suffer from anxiety at the mere thought of not being able to have an alcoholic beverage of my choice for nine months straight…and quite frankly, there’s nothing maternal about that…


I had to take Charlie to the vet for the first time on Monday. I’m convinced that my vet is a complete lunatic and I am never going back there again. After asking me if I had any experience with animals (and me answering with a definitive yes…) he proceeded to talk to me as if I was mentally retarded:

Example 1:

Vet: now what do you feed your puppy?
Me: uh…puppy food…oh, do you mean what brand?
Vet: Do we give our puppy a filet or puppy food?
Me: A filet, haha…right Charlie!?
Vet: uhmm… no.
Me: oh, I know… I was just kidding…
Vet: no, seriously…would you give your child filet every day? Would you? I mean, that’s malnutrition isn’t it….
Me: uh… yeah…

Example 2:

Vet: now I can tell that you and your boyfriend are a real urban couple (please note: boyfriend not with me…boyfriend not even in TriState Area…)
Me: ??
Vet: yep, you’re an urban couple. And sometimes I bet you go out and you may be getting ready and not feeling well and you may pop some advil or another pain killer of choice so that you can have a good time.
Me: !?
Vet: And let’s say you drop a pill and you think to yourself..”oh, I’ve got my hair done and my heels on and I don’t want to bend over…I’ll just get it later”…. No, no, no… you can’t do that now because you need to puppy proof your house!
Me: (internally: you’ve got to be kidding me…) oh… uh huh….
Vet: And your puppy is …well…a puppy…. And puppies lose their teeth… do you remember when you lost your first tooth and there was blood??
Me: (internally: nope, don’t remember, because I’ve apparently been addicted to pain killers since the young age of 5, so I don’t remember anything past the age of 4.) ….. yes.
Vet: And do you remember there was blood??
Me: yes….
Vet: same with your puppy!!!
Me: (internally: jesus christ…) oh …okay!


Example 3:

Vet: now you should not let babies eat dog poop… do you know why?
Me: because it’s poop?....
Vet: No, because sometimes dogs get worms and the only way people can get worms is by eating the dogs poop.
Me: !?
Vet: And so it’s very important that you don’t let your baby eat dog poop.
Me: I…uh… I don’t have a baby.
Vet: Well, I’m not judging….I’m just saying….never let your baby eat dog poop because the baby may get worms from the poop.
Me: good to know… thanks…

Springtime

It's spring time and spring makes me think of two main things: fresh starts and margaritas (!). And with these two main things comes a whole lot of random fresh starts and margarita thoughts and actions:


A random bee snuck into our bathroom the other day...and instead of letting that bee run me out of my house (which has happened with bugs in our house before), I locked the bee in the bathroom and we didn't go in the bathroom until he flew out the next day. Sara(h)s 1 , Bugs 0


Prince William split from his long time girlfriend...whatshername...which is great, because next to Tom Brady, my number one hubby, Prince William (of course) is my number two... I have to appease the craddle robber in me...


About a week ago, I went out for a beer with one of my best friends from college. We opted to go out in his hood because he bribed me by offering to pick me up and drive me home... i'm easy.... I almost schooled him in Ping Pong and Darts that night... but then i got drunk, smacked my head, and got the hic ups.... it was pretty much all down hill from there....


This Saturday is, drum roll please..... cinco de mayo!!!..... the day when people across the country are all Mexican! In honor of being mexican for 24 hours and the De La Hoya v. Mayweather fight (only watching it because Helen found the HBO special "compelling") Sarah, Helen and I are throwing a "Fight Club" or "How I Learned to Stop Being Sober and Love the Margarita" Party. Obviously, margaritas will be served and we'll all be dressed like Tijuana hookers to get people in the Mexican spirit.


Speaking of Helen, she was recently picked up by the cash cab, much to the envy of pretty much everyone I know... except Patty... she's kind of indifferent, but to her credit she did try to pretend to be excited for my benefit.....because, I almost peed my pants when I told her. Helen unfortunately, did not make it all the way to her destination and lost because ultimately she didn't know enough about Camels and the periodic table. But I'll say, I'm still damn proud of you Helen Green!

Lies and Free Cones

This weekend Karl and I went upstate to visit his family. Due to the sensative nature of his mother's emotional constitution, we have to strategically plan out and lie through our teeth any time we want to hang out with his brother and sister-in-law with out the parents. This is very foreign to me, seeing as my parents (and god parents) flee the country for a month every year and desperately try to forget that they even have children. Not to mention the fact that I simply can not lie. I've got a shot if it's over the phone, but if it's face to face, I'm screwed... and I'm taking down all parties involved with me.


Why is the cafe car on Amtrak trains so small and why don't they have better seats and tables? It's a long trip, they should really turn the cafe car into a nice lounge. I plan to write a letter to Amtrak.


Ever notice that when the train happens to not be packed during rush hour people are much more likely to spread out and not make room for others to sit. Even if there are people standing and some that want to sit, typically the people already sitting take up twice the space necessary. .... Jerks.


I realized the other day that my hair is a perfect reflection of the kind of day I'm having. Regardless of how many times I brush it or try to pull it back, if I'm having a day where I'm completely burned out or flustered, my hair looks like I just spent 15 minutes in a wind tunnel.


Monday I had to travel for work for meetings to Philly and Baltimore. I was so flustered when I left my office at 7am that I grabbed a sharpie instead of a pen for my meetings. By the time we arrived in Philly and were half way through our meeting my stomach started growling which meant the hic ups were coming soon. So there I was, trying to look respectable, serious and knowledgable; taking notes with a sharpie, stomach growling and hic uping.... and that's the kind of stuff you need to be made of to get a deal closed and a contract signed in my profession.


The DOM has been out of the office because he allegedly contracted a parasite during his visit to Africa. I know I should feel bad....but I don't... he probably caught it while looking at African porn.


Tuesday was free cone day at Ben and Jerry's...every year since I was 19 Elissa and I (and other various friends) have participated in free cone day and made it an annual ritual. This year however, due to extenuating circumstances I could not participate in free cone day. Much to my dismay, this threw Elissa into a terrible fit of depression where she cursed "all of Knightsbridge" and P-did's. Ultimately, Elissa has decided to give up on free cone day all together and has vowed never to have ice cream again. Well poo on you Eeyore, I'll be participating in free cone day next year with or without you!!

And these are the days of our lives....

Yesterday I was craving sweets. The DOM was going downstairs to get a soda and when asked if I would like anything while he was out, a quick "large chocolate chip cookie and tea" was my response. However my sugar and chocolate dreams were dashed when he returned with an oatmeal raisin cookie. Oatmeal raisin!... I love oatmeal, I eat grapes, I drink wine...but I hate, hate (!), raisins...and oatmeal raisin does not equal chocolate chip. Normally I would snub the raisin cookie but I was so desperate for sugar that I sat at my desk and tried to eat around all of the raisins. When that wasn't progressing quickly enough for me, I actually moved away from my desk and sat next to the garbage can in my office, picking out the raisins and attempted to eat the remainder of the raisin infested cookie.... when asked later by Patty what I was doing, I told her "I'm working on getting a raise".


Speaking of raises... I haven't received one in almost two years. Apparently hard work and virtually being a slave to ones job do not necessarily earn someone a raise in my company (which explains why I have decided to take the opposite approach). I, of course, blame Patty. She has worked for the General for 7 years and has never asked for anything.... thus setting a ridiculously high standard of non-complaint for the rest of us poor suckers that follow behind her. In any other company, Patty would easily be making double her current salary, even so, Saint Patty will not utter a peep...that is until recently...armed with the facts she inquired after our annual raises to The General who promptly sent an email to Ahab regarding the urgent matter, who promptly went home sick after reading the email to avoid having to discuss the issue further.... hahahaha... you've gotta love when a boss appreciates the hard work of his subordinates....


My mother once told me, "making fun of someones level of intelligence and calling them retarded, will not make you smarter".... okay, okay... I always technically got the gravity of what she was trying to tell me but I still definitely love the word retarded....I love retards...always have, always will. But I definitely applied the rule to other matters in life. -- I have a friend who, from the first time I met him, had a quirky sense of humor that just cracked me up. I immediately adored him and respected his creativity and witty commentary on the world around him. Lately however, the wit has changed... there is something negative to say about everyone and everything around him, nothing is good enough, nothing is funny enough.... That's the funny thing about miserable... finding fault in everyone around you won't make you happier with yourself.


This morning on the train I was sitting next to this tiny Asian woman, praying on her rosary beads. When she finished, she belched twice and fell asleep.


Today I have big plans to do my own laundry for the first time in about a year and a half. When I first moved down to the city, I vowed never to become a true New Yorker, I would cling to my upstate values like they were my life line. Needless to say, that didn't work out and I have caved on virtually every front... I pay someone to do virtually everything in my life. Except clean my house...and I think that that's an option under serious consideration at this time. I have now also officially ditched my morals out of convenience. I vowed never to go back to the dry cleaners down the block from my apartment after they ruined a designer dress that I bought before I ever got the chance to wear it and refused to reimburse me for it. But told me that I should try returning it to the store. I have a lot of dry cleaning that needs to be done and I have no idea where else to take my clothes that is close to my apartment. I have a sneaking suspicion that I will cave today and drop my clothes off at the shady cleaners.....jerks.


Recently, Jessica started working in my office. The DOM not only insists on calling her Jennifer, but unfortunately has opted to not spare her from the nasty inappropriate remarks that so frequently fly out of his mouth. Jessica is an aspiring actress with an audition tomorrow... next thing I know I hear the DOM from my office predicting that "Jennifer's" audition will be more of a dancing strip tease than a respectable audition.... total law suit waiting to happen.